


I Pray You Don't Leave Me

by mismatched_ideas



Series: It's Easier With You [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Confused Yuri, Demiromantic/asexual Otabek, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, I feel like my beka is out of character but I try, I swear, It was getting longish so I decided to just separate it, M/M, Phichit is Yuuri's bff, Poor Self-Image, The poor beeb doesn't deserve this, implied mila/sara, nonbinary yuri, questions of gender expression, side viktuuri, this was supposed to be a fluffy chapter for IEWY but look what happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 09:31:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9813356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mismatched_ideas/pseuds/mismatched_ideas
Summary: Yuuri and Yuri go shopping for Yuri's belated birthday and Yuuri think he know what he can get for Yuri.





	1. If Only I Had The Words

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alison/gifts), [Caroline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroline/gifts).



> This was supposed to be a short, fluffy chapter for It's Easier With You but, well, here we are.

It had taken them a long time to pull Yurio away from his family and Otabek and Yuuri was honestly a little surprised when Yurio agreed to go shopping. They did ask that Viktor stay behind, much to the older man’s disappointment. 

“But Yurio~” Viktor’s whining was especially loud. He’d also draped himself dramatically over them, earning him an eye roll from both Yuri’s. “We both wanted to take you out shopping for your birthday.”

“Yah, but you're the worst to go shopping with.” Yurio pushed Viktor off and stood, arms crossed.

“Just admit you like Yuuri better.” Viktor said, half teasing and half lamenting the fact. “I know it’s true.”

“Okay, I like Yuuri better.”

“So are you saying you like me?” Yuuri smiled, annoyance and exasperation plain on the younger skater’s face.

“You two need to spend less time with each other.” They finally settled on this as a safe comment, pointing at Viktor. “You’re rubbing off on him. Also you’re both disgusting.” 

“You’ll understand one day. You’ll find someone to be disgusting with and then you’ll see.” Viktor lamented, missing the slight dusting of pink on Yuri’s face. Yuuri, though, did not miss it. 

“Okay, Love.” Yuuri gave his husband a chaste kiss. “I’m sure you can find something to do. Maybe you and Mila can go shopping.”

Viktor kissed him back. “Okay, have fun.”

\---

“We can get whatever you want.” Yuuri made sure to accentuate the ‘whatever’. He didn’t want to assume anything about how Yurio wanted to dress, but he also wanted to make sure the skater knew Yuuri, and Viktor, would support their decisions. Even now, Yuuri could see embarrassed uncertainty in their eyes. 

“Do you need new shoes, we could start there?” The shoes section seemed like a safe place to start but before Yuuri could head in that direction Yurio grabbed onto Yuuri’s sleeve. Looking surprisingly vulnerable, and young, Yurio mumbled something to Yuuri. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

“Can we look at… umm…” Yurio let go, anger replacing their embarrassment. “Never mind. This is stupid, I should just go.”

“Yuri.” Yuuri grabbed Yurio’s arm, stopping them from turning and leaving. Though the use of Yurio over Yurio was probably what really grabbed their attention. “I’m not going to think less of you for any reason, okay?” 

“I don’t think you will.” Yurio admitted. “But this isn’t¬– I don’t–”

“You know, I can think of three people you know who wear skirts and dresses.” Yuuri spoke quietly, not forcing Yurio to keep up eye contact. He did hold onto both of Yurio’s arms so that the teenager remained facing in his direction. “Phichit, Avery, and Mila. Anything you notice about them?” Yurio didn’t answer, looking instead at the ground. “I’m not saying you have to even look at skirts and dresses but I _am_ saying you should if you want to.”

“I don’t want people to think I’m a girl.” Yurio muttered.

“What you wear doesn’t define your gender.” Yuuri remembered having this talk with Phichit, so many years earlier. Now that Yuuri thought about it, he was pretty sure Yurio was the same age that Phichit was then. “Now, I want to know what you want. Not what you think I want to hear and not what you think other people want to hear.”

They let silence draw out between them and Yuuri, before finally sighing. When they spoke, it was quiet and halting, something Yuuri would never get used to hearing from Yurio. To Yuuri, Yurio would always be the angry teenager who verbally assaulted him in a bathroom and who flew all the way to Japan to get Viktor to fulfill the promise he’d made. Impulsive, loud, and confident were the traits most people attributed to Yurio. Even so, the more Yuuri got to know them, the more he found the skater was thoughtful, introspective, and strangely unsure of themselves.

“I guess, I don’t know. When I first went through puberty I knew I didn’t like the way I’d changed. And I knew that in the past I’d been pretty much fine with wearing whatever for competition. I sort of liked how the more skirt-like costumes felt. So when I was confused I mentally tried seeing myself as female. I could see myself wearing skirts and dresses but I couldn’t see myself as anything but not female. But I think I might still like more feminine clothes, or I did. Now I think they look wrong on me. My body used to be right for them. Now I have wide shoulders and muscles and–” Their voice hitched but instead of sadness, Yurio let anger flow into their face. They clenched their fists, digging their the few non-chewed nails into the soft skin of their palm. Or it used to be soft, now there were crescent moon callouses trying desperately to protect their skin from themselves. “I look in the mirror and I’m disgusted.”

“Yuri…”

“What if I’m wrong? What if I’m just¬–” Yurio hated crying, especially in public, and they were not going to do it now. 

Even after all the help Yuuri and Viktor had given them, they still felt so unsure. They couldn’t get the thought out of their head that people would only like them if they stayed looking like a he. Or if they started just looking like a she. They couldn’t stop the thoughts that kept them up at night, worrying Yakov and Lilia and Mila and Georgi with the dark circles under their eyes. Yurio couldn’t even fall asleep when Beka was there to hold their hand and cuddle them because they were just so afraid of changing and ruining everything. 

They gestured at themselves, trying to indicate the obviously masculine outfit they were wearing. 

“What if this is the only way people will like me?”

“Anyone who can’t love whatever you is truly you isn’t worth your time.” Yuuri’s look soured. “And if anyone give you shit for how you want to dress, just send them to any of your friend and we’ll take care of those assholes.”

Yurio didn’t expect Yuuri’s mood and words to darken so quickly, but it did give them some hope. Sometimes they forgot how protective Yuuri was of his friends. 

“Seriously.” Yuuri insisted. “I don’t care if it’s a stranger or Otabek, we’ll beat the shit out of them.”

“Okay, thanks.” Yurio smiled at Yuuri, pulling their face from the floor to Yuuri’s face. “Thanks again.”

“It’s fine, you don’t figure this all out in one day.” Yuuri smiled softly, letting go of Yurio’s arms. “And all of us are here to help you out. Why don’t we go sit down for a little?” Suddenly an idea popped into Yuuri’s head. “You go to the café right next door and get us a table, I’ll meet you there.”

Yurio let confusion take over their face, facing an eyebrow as they regained composure and control of their face. “Where are you going?”

“Just go on, it’s a surprise.” Much to Yuuri’s surprise, the blond obliged his request without asking anymore questions. Once Yurio was out of sight Yuuri pulled his phone out to make a call.

“Hello?” Was the groggy response from the other end. Yuuri always seemed to catch Phichit when the other man was tired.

“Hey, Phichit, I need your advice.”

“Yuuri! Are you still stalling?”

Yuuri laughed, “No, we talked. But I don’t have time for that, I need your help.” He started giving a vague description of Yurio’s body type.

“Why are you telling me this?” Phichit asked, still too tired to do much detective work. 

“Because, I need your help picking out clothes. I was thinking a dress but if you think a skirt is better, we can go that way.”

“Dress…?” There was a moment pause before Phichit perked up, “Can you describe them again?” Yuuri gave the same description and Phichit made a noise. “Wait, isn’t that a description of–”

“Don’t say it.” Yuuri was pleading as he hurried towards the correct section. “You aren’t supposed to know pretty much any of this but you were my best choice to help me out. I was thinking a shift type dress but I don’t know, their shoulders are a bit wide.”

“I think that would work.” Phichit accepted the terms of this agreement with all the grace Yuuri had expected. His friend was a gossip and could be pushy, but he also knew better than anyone when to back off and more or less do as he was told. He also knew all about how scary it could be to buy clothes that weren’t considered ‘correct’ for who you said you were. “Something simple. It’ll also be good because you don’t want to go too extreme with a new type of outfit. Just something to give an idea of what it might look like.”

Yuuri hummed absentmindedly, “I think I know what I’m going to get. Thanks Phichit.” 

“No problem, bro.” Phichit answered, “I’m going back to bed now, before your dog realizes I’m awake.”

“Tell Makkachin Viktor and I say hello and we miss him.”

Phichit laughed on the other end. “You two are absurd. Now go be the fairy godmother you were always meant to be.”

\---

Yurio sat nervously by themselves, tapping their foot as they waited for Yuuri to return. They had no idea what the older man had planned, but they were concerned it was going to be something strange. 

Yurio didn’t want to change, if they were honest. They wish they could go back to being fifteen and just stay like that, hormones and all. They didn’t mind being the kid nobody took seriously if for no other reason than they didn’t want to be left with all these confusing feelings. People said puberty was the most confusing time but for Yuri, they found that once their hormones evened out that things just got more confusing. They didn’t feel nearly as angry, as pissed off by everything, but at least anger had done a good job of filling in the blanks other emotions left. They rarely felt sad or confused back then, knowing exactly who they were and what they were doing. But now…

Much of their anger had faded with the hormones, though not all of it. With the fade of that came thoughts and questions Yurio didn’t have any answers to. And that had lead them to the point they had been at a few months earlier, confused and ready to run away from anything that could throw their mind into further confusion. 

“Yurio!” Yuuri’s voice cut into their thoughts. The retired skater was holding a bag which he handed to Yurio when he arrived at the table Yurio had staked out. “I got you something.”

“What is it?” Yurio tilted their head to the side, taking the bag from Yuuri.

“It’s a gift, for your birthday. It’s not much, but it’s something.” Yuuri smiled at the young Russian. “So you don’t have to feel uncomfortable trying anything on. You can do it when you’re comfortable. Or you never have to. You can return it if you want, I won’t be offended or anything. I just thought that having the option if you want it. I think this will look pretty good on you. It’s all about finding clothes that look right. I remember Phichit helped me try some skir–” Yuuri was cut off my Yurio throwing their arms around his neck, bag laying at their feet. 

“Thank you.” Yurio broke away quickly, looking embarrassed by their actions. “Really, thanks.”

“Anytime, kid.” Yuuri smirked and Yurio stuck their tongue out, making Yuuri laugh. Yurio allowed themselves smile because, if they was honest, they considered Yuuri one of their closest friends. Not that they’d ever actually say that to him. “How are you not wearing your jacket?”

“It’s not that cold out.” Yurio shrugged, the motion unsettling their shirt. They scrunched their eyebrows together when Yuuri turned red, eyes suddenly very interested in the menu in front of him. “What just happened?” Yurio looked behind them. “Did someone like wink at you?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Yuuri tried to insist, but his voice gave away his embarrassment. Yurio glared at him until Yuuri laughed nervously and pointed to his own shoulder.

Yurio had forgotten. How had they forgotten? It was only this morning that they had had to endure a sudden and awkward breakfast with their mom and Grandpa. 

Now Yurio was blushing, quickly grabbing their jacket to pull over the apparently so noticeable bruise on their shoulder, close to their neck. Yurio didn’t even try to give an excuse, they knew there was no way out of this.

“Are you gonna’ tell Viktor?” Yurio stared into their pale coffee, they didn’t drink coffee without a lot of milk and sugar, and tried not to feel too embarrassed. They were both adults and adults could do what they wanted. 

“I won’t if you really don’t want me to.” Yuuri giggled a little behind his hand. “But it’s an interesting development.” Yuuri squinted to himself, remembering something he’d been told by Viktor. “Wait! But I thought he was straight!” 

Yurio blushed deeper. “The hell did you get that from?”

“Viktor said you said he was straight.”

“I said he wasn’t into me. I meant because I wasn’t a dude. Turns out he likes… umm… whatever I am.” Yurio was still unsure of what to call themselves. “Hey! Why did you assume it was him, anyways?”

“Well it was the best explanation for the death glare Nikolai was giving him this morning.” Yuuri called over the waiter and ordered himself a coffee. When the waiter left Yuuri smirked at Yurio with a look that spoke of too much time spent with Phichit and Viktor. Yuuri wasn’t exactly the nosy type, but Yurio had learned that he tended to be extra nosy with them. “So~?”

“I don’t know what you want from me.” Yurio put on a grimace, trying to push their blush back down. “If we’d known my Grandpa, Mom, and you two were going to show up then we wouldn’t have be so obvious.”

“Sounds like you two have some experience with this, then.”

“We really don't.” Yurio replied flatly, so not wanting to have this conversation with Yuuri of all people. They’d expect this from Mila but this felt like they were being questioned by Yakov. A Yakov who was acting way too cutesy. “And stop making that face. You need to stop spending so much time with Viktor and Phichit. They’re rubbing off on you.” 

Yuuri laughed, taking a sip from his coffee when it arrived. “I guess that’s true. Doesn’t change the fact that I want you to tell me everything.” 

Yurio sighed, rolling their eyes. When did Yuuri get like this?

“Of course, I’ll stop pushing if you don’t want to talk about it.” And there was the Yuuri Yurio expected. 

“Whatever.” Yurio shrugged, “I guess I can trust you. What is it you want to know?”

Yuuri smiled widely and leaned towards Yurio, looking like he were getting ready for an intense gossip session at a sleepover. “Everything.”


	2. To Tell You Who I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I use Yuri not Yurio b/c it felt more natural for a scene between Yuri and Otabek. Also I just want the beeb to be called by their name.
> 
> And I do swap between Otabek and Beka, depending on the situation. I hope it doesn't read too jarringly.

Yuri looked at themselves in the mirror and was decidedly unsure of how to feel about their reflection. 

They didn’t look bad but they didn’t look right, either. They thought their reflection looked very much like a man wearing a dress and that wasn’t really the look they wanted. Then again, it was hard to escape that look when they were not only broad-shouldered but also tall and muscular. 

Yuuri had done a good job, though, of picking out a dress that didn’t look too bad. Yuri didn’t know what you called it was it was sleeveless and mostly made of straight lines. They found that it was a little too short for their liking. It’s straight fall emphasized their lack of chest or hips but they suspected that was what it was supposed to look like. 

The color was nice, a blue that complemented both their hair and their eyes, and they were pretty sure they didn’t hate the dress. They still knew they weren’t confident enough to wear it outside the safety of their bedroom, let alone their apartment. 

Yuri hummed to themselves, turning to get a look at the back. They thought they heard the front door open but they knew that couldn’t be right. They’d locked the door before coming inside so anyone who was trying to get in would need to knock. And if someone was breaking in then, well, they had bigger things to worry about than a dress. 

They sighed, leaning their forehead against the mirror. What were they doing? They had no idea who they wanted to be and that was probably the scariest thing. How could people tell whether they were doing something for themselves or for someone else? 

“Yura?” Yuri whipped around, panic flooding their veins when they realized there was no escape.

How could they forget that they’d given Beka a key?

“I– don’t– stop– I can’t–” Yuri had no idea what to say, unable to focus long enough on Otabek’s face to actually read what he was thinking. His voice didn’t sound malicious or disgusted but it was hard to focus on that fact when Yuri couldn’t focus on his face. 

Finally Yuri settled for hiding their face in their hands, begging their eyes and throat to stop burning. Begging their cheeks to stop burning. They just wanted their entire body to either set itself ablaze or stop burning them up. 

“Stop looking at me.” They decided on, their words muffled by their hands.

“Okay.” Otabek turned but Yuri couldn’t see him do that, their face planted securely in their palms.

“Just go.” Yuri spoke too softly to be heard, they knew that. But they were having trouble raising their voice without shouting. “Leave me alone.”

When Yuri let their hand drop, they found Otabek gone. How had he heard Yuri’s commands?

He left like Yuri wanted but Yuri thought he would have understood they never actually meant it. 

Yuri’s knees buckled and they let themselves collapse to their knees, letting the tears out. 

Yuri’s biggest fear had been realized and they’d ruined everything. They screwed it all up. Otabek hated them and had never really liked them for who they were. They wanted to blame this on someone else – Yuuri or Viktor or Beka – but they just came back to themselves. They’d screwed everything up by being an idiot. If they’d just kept everything the same then nothing like this would have happened.

“Do you want– Yura?” Yuri looked up, surprised and confused to find an equally confused Otabek in the doorway. He looked concerned and unsure for only a moment before rushing over to Yuri, his face painted with more emotion than even Yuri had ever seen on it. “I’m sorry, what’s the matter?”

“Why are you apologizing?” Yuri murmured as Otabek wrapped his arms around them. “I told you to leave.”

“I didn’t hear you.” Yuri shrunk into the shorter skater’s embrace. “If I had, I wouldn’t have left. I was locking the front door.”

“Oh.” Was all Yuri could manage through their ever increasing tears. Even when it was Beka, Yuri hated crying in front of people. They knew nobody thought of them as weak but it still felt like they were.

“Shh.” Otabek murmured, pulling Yuri onto his lap. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Yuri buried their face into Otabek’s chest. “I fucked it all up, didn’t I?”

“No, you didn’t fuck anything up. Why do you think you fucked up?”

“We were in a comfortable place and I did this.” Their voiced was muffled by Otabek’s shirt. “I fucked us up.” 

“No you didn’t.” Otabek was practically cooing. Even Yuri wasn’t sure they’d ever seen this soft of a side from the man they considered their best friend. “I don’t care what you wear, you’re still you. If this is you then I don’t care.” Otabek carefully titled Yuri face up and away from his chest, his face serious. “Yura, I love you.”

Yuri felt their face get hot and they rubbed at their eyes, hoping to hide their deep shade of red behind their hands and arms. 

“This is sudden.” Yuri finally decided on, letting their arms drop but not looking Otabek in the eye either. 

“Not really.” Otabek shrugged, “I knew I liked you for a while now, over a year I’d say. And I’ve always loved you as a friend so it didn’t take too long to feel that way romantically.” He blinked, “Was I too forward again?”

Yuri shook their head, giving a small noise of disagreement. “It’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting that is all. I thought you were just, I don’t know, in it for the _other stuff_ …” 

Unexpectedly, Otabek laughed. Yuri loved the sound, though they found the Kazakh man rarely laughed, and it made them smile even if they were pretty sure they were being laughed at.

“Yura, I’m not even into you like that. I mean I enjoy the kissing and stuff but like it’s not why I spend time with you.”

“Not into me like that?” Yuri tried to look hurt but smiled instead, their anxieties not gone but faded into the background hum of their minds. Even at their worst, Otabek had a way of calming Yuri’s anxious thoughts. “What? Am I not good enough?”

It was Otabek’s turn to color a little, “It’s not like that… I’m just not, I don’t know… What’s the word?” Yuri frowned at his stilted words and lack of eye contact. Otabek was rarely at a loss for words. If he had something to say, he said it. Otherwise he didn’t try and fill the air with useless words. He was even less prone to awkward embarrassment. “Asexual?”

“Oh, okay.” Yuri shrugged, snuggling up to Otabek. “Beka you know you can always tell me if you’re uncomfortable with something, right?”

“I know.” Otabek was tempted to just keep the both of them there on the ground so as not to break the comfort he was feeling. He didn’t like to admit it but he had a lot of overwhelming insecurities that kept his mind preoccupied and his voice quiet. He had a tendency of being too blunt or of saying the wrong things at the wrong time and so he talked as little as possible, but when it came to Yuri he knew he didn’t have to worry. Yuri’s presence eased his negative thoughts and he worried less about saying something wrong. “Do you want to lay down? You’ve had a tiring day.” 

Yuri nodded and the two untangled themselves from each other. Yuri did feel tired, the day had been emotionally draining, and all they wanted to do was cuddle with Beka and sleep.

“Do you want to change?” Quickly he added, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“You’re sweet.” Yuri said, Otabek’s face turning red. Yuri rarely voiced those sorts of thoughts, instead keeping them inside, and Otabek had not gotten used to the blond’s occasional endearing comments. “This isn’t really sleeping material, so I think I’ll change.” They’d already started to strip of the dress, “I’d really like it if we just went to bed now, I’m so tired.”

“What about your mom and grandpa, won’t they be coming back here?”

“So what?” Yuri turned and Otabek’s eyes, like so many other people’s today, were drawn to the handful of bruises on Yuri’s pale skin. Honestly, he felt a little back about them but mostly because of the fallout. “Why don’t we just tell everyone we’re dating?”

“Are you asking me out?” Otabek tried to sound like he was challenging Yuri but instead it came out a bit awed. Otabek found that Yuri had the irritating affect of turning him from a mysterious bad boy into a pining high schooler. 

“I guess I am.” Yuri smirked at Otabek, pulling on a pair of pajama pants before sauntering over to where Otabek was perched on the bed. Yuri leaned in close, their forehead almost touching Otabek’s. “Will you go out with me.”

“Of course.” Otabek bridged the gap between their lips, pulling Yuri into a long kiss before finally pulling them down onto the bed.

“I mean, everyone was going to find out something was going on.” Yuri let Otabek cuddle into their chest, their chin resting on the shorter man’s head. “Yuuri saw when we were getting coffee. He’ll probably tell Viktor. And maybe Phichit. And Viktor will probably tell Chris.”

“Well even if Yuuri doesn’t tell Viktor, he knows. And so do Georgi and Mila.”

“How?” Yuri pulled away slightly so they could give Beka a bewildered look. 

Their boyfriend smiled and pulled his shirt off. He turned over and Yuri made a small, surprised sound. Had they really left so many small bruises on Beka’s back?

“I didn’t even realize they were there. Mila and I decided to go get some practice in since, as Mila said, you and Yuuri were off having fun without us. Georgi and Viktor, and Gerogi’s girlfriend, tagged along. When we were changing Viktor noticed the marks.” Otabek chuckled. “Apparently someone gave him the idea that I was straight because he immediately asked me if they were from Mila. He seemed really worried that I’d somehow enchanted Mila into cheating on Sara. Mila was very offended when he asked her if they were her doing.” 

Yuri smiled, imagining that Viktor had probably gotten quite the earful from the redhead. 

“Yah, I might have implied you were straight without realizing it.” Yuri admitted, snuggling themselves into Otabek’s back. As much as Yuri liked being little spoon, they found they liked the way it felt to wrap themselves around Beka. “Mostly because Viktor is an idiot though, so it wasn’t really my fault.”

Otabek chuckled again, the sound soothing to Yuri’s ears. Yuri wasn’t sure he’d ever really heard Otabek laugh as much as he had today and that was really lovely in their opinion. 

“I’m sure it wasn’t.”

They stayed like that in silence, content with each other’s warmth and proximity, and Yuri soon found themselves falling asleep.

“Beka?” Yuri murmured.

“Hmm?” Otabek was obviously also close to sleep.

“Do you really not mind?”

“What?”

“That I’m not a guy and that I can be kind of… girly sometimes.”

“I swear I don’t mind.” He laced his fingers with Yuri’s, using Yuri’s hand to pull them closer. “I more than don’t mind. I love you for you and that’s that.”

Yuri hummed into the back of Otabek’s neck. “When did you get so sappy?”

“It’s your fault I’m like this.”

“It’s fine, I like it.” Yuri’s voice was barely audible. 

Otabek just hummed in response and Yuri sleepily admitted to themselves that may they and Beka were nearly as disgusting as Viktor and Yuuri. Not that they’d admit that to Viktor or Yuuri. 

Yuri felt Otbaek’s breathing even out and they smiled, more comfortable and content than they’d been in a while. They kept smiling as they let their boyfriend’s slow, even breathing being to lull them to sleep.

Mind swimming and fuzzy Yuri found themselves murmuring quietly into Beka’s neck.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was a ride. This fic got a little out of hand. Also I absolutely hate how I wrote Beka but *shurg* I did my best.

**Author's Note:**

> [ Tumblr ](http://mismatched-ideas.tumblr.com/)


End file.
